It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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