I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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