wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
