If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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