Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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