I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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