batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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