She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
