based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
