I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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