I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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