And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
