dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
