I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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