Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
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Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
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YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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