I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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