I wish you could order shots online.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
