happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
