then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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