Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
