He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
