ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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