I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
