Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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