Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
