that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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