Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
