my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
