you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
