i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
