Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
