she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
