I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
