He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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