I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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