I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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