Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
