I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
