I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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