So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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