I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
