I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
