Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
