I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
