Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
