I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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