Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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