I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
