there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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