I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We got so high we made milksteak
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
