Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
did you just send me my own nude
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
