There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
