No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
