Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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