If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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