They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
