I can't breathe out the right side of my face
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
