I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the condom got lost in my hair
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
