Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
